To be frank, I just cried for an hour. Overwhelmed. Feeling like I am doing everything wrong. This feeling comes over me and I break. But from other parents I talk to, this happens to us all. That makes me feel a little bit more reassured.
My feeling, has nothing negative to do in Emmett’s court. My negative feeling is that I am not doing enough, that I am not figuring out answers for him, that I am not helping him to the best of my ability. I sit here, still really emotional. All because I have to redo his bath therapy from the beginning once again. I feel like I screwed up somewhere. I feel like I missed a step. I feel like I did everything wrong. And this self talk is going on in my head.
Em has been scared of the tub since he would about seven months old. I was guilty of using videos on a dvd player to get through it at times, I totally admit it. That wore off. He would cry and not sit and it was just a big upsetting experience for him, and for me. I kept myself together, trying to get through it. Eventually his early interventionist at the time gave us ideas and we did them, and eventually he’d sit in a bucket in the tub. This has worked for months. But the last few weeks, it has gone back to a daily battle, a daily upset for him. If you’ve been there, you’ll get it. He gets so upset he starts that little breathing upset sound that makes my heart drop. It’s like I am torturing him, as he stands there and I try and quickly wash him off, he looks at me like “mumma help me”. I’m stuck again. I feel helpless. And this is where I sit tonight, at the table as he has a snack with his daddy on the couch. I feel like I failed him.
I wish I could figure it out and fix it. I’ve always been a fixer, and if I could get him to enjoy a simple bath I would dance down the street, maybe around town. I feel like I am so weak sometimes. Like I am not strong enough for him. I try and be there for everything. My dedication to my son is ongoing, it’s always there. I never feel like giving up. But I feel like sometimes someone could do better than me. I watch facebook and other social media (worst idea ever right ? lol) and think sometimes I am not doing enough, I need to work harder. I have a beautiful support system, so why do I feel this way?
I think it’s a natural human feeling. Especially on this kind of journey. My mind is one hundred tabs open everyday. And one remaining thought is always, am I doing enough? This crosses my mind every single day.
Writing this is not for sympathy. It’s to show if there are other parents out there with that in their mind, or going through times like this , that it’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. I am even saying this to myself right now. My husband is in my face saying no one could come close to what you do for Emmett every single day. I end on that note. Because not to sound cheesy, but this man, my husband, knows how to connect with me, gets me to listen. And he is a cheerleader for Emmett and Dr.Phil for me (My friend Keshia will love that reference).
So ending this, moving forward. God is there for me and for my family, every second of everyday, and he will help me figure out the obstacles ahead.